Saturday, November 28, 2009

Finding My Courage Again

Wow. What a 24 hour period.

This Monday would of been 6 months sober, but last night, I relapsed. It hit me, that my romantic relationship is actually over for good. I was terribly upset yesterday and thought "I just can't live with this." When I thought about "my life", which really means, "my life situation" it seemed so empty without him. Plus, I had already been choosing to find the negatives in my situation lately anyway... resentful the Winter weather, living with the parents, not working, all my free time, and the raw diet.

I woke up sick this morning, but grateful the whole thing happened. I drank, cried, and realized what I could go back to. Which is feeling sick all the time, stressed, depressed, furthering debt, destroying friendships, hurting my family and maybe even death. I knew it wasn't a path I wanted to go down, but in a moment of pain, I stopped caring. And, I didn't know how I would feel upon waking today... fearing I would be even more miserable and unable to cope.

I was a little anxious and unhappy this morning, of course, but was okay. I came to my senses, literally. I focused on my breathing. I stopped myself, when I started thinking about the night before, him, or tried to picture my next few months. I create my own reality... if I'm thinking negative thoughts, I will feel negative.

I listened to some Wayne Dryer and Tony Robbins, and felt re-impowered. Last night, I had mostly been fearing my ability to be happy, and thought I couldn't overcome this. But, I truely know that I hold the power. I will be happy no matter what my circumstances. I have regained that confidence and it's the most important thing to hold onto.

Plus, he is probably right, we're not a good match. I would of still loved to date for a while... and just see where it went, but you can't always get what you want. And maybe thats a sign that you shouldnt hold onto desires and believe you need to obtain them to be happy. It's a lesson I've been learning all year, "want what is." The more often things don't go as planned, the more I learn to surrender. :)

So, I'm having surprisingly decent day. Watching movies with glitter montages with my sister, the sun was out today, and I have a peace about me. Even deactivated my Facebook account, so I could spend less time online, and more time trying to enjoy people in person. :P

I know I will have hard days, but I will do my best to focus on the positive and truely I'll be an even better/happier person by the end of this. :D

1. Find the positive
2. Stay busy
3. Fill up your life with friends, family, hobbies, etc.
4. Enjoy the little things
5. Find evidence of your strength daily, always know your power

1 comment:

  1. Oh, hun *hugs* I can't say I know what your particular kind of pain feels like, but I know how badly people can hurt and believe me, just from reading this and your other blog posts, and how you try to stay so positive, I completely believe that you have it in you to come through whatever dark cloud you've found yourself shiny and strong as hell. Don't let yourself be brought down by anyone- no one has that right. Remember that you have unlimited support, from both yourself and those who love you! Stay strong, and keep believing in yourself!

    Sending you healing thoughts and love!