Major Turning Points In Life

The past two days have been some of the most important days of this year... maybe even of this life.
After leaving my boyfriend's house, and not really speaking to him the past couple of days, I feared I would fall back into old patterns.
History: I have very strong "borderline" traits that have previously caused chaos, destruction, and depression. When problems arose before, I reacted with stress and desperation. I have been in recovery (from my last major, major breakdown) for 2 years, but still wasn't handling even day to day life stressors well. The last break up I went through left with me symptoms of PTSD (no joke). I had extreme pain and lonliness during and 6 months after our break up. Abused alochol and drugs all day, did weird things. Ran out of the E.R room while waiting for the doctor, my arm still cut open and bloody and no shoes on. Got home and drank some more. Also, I overdosed to try to die. People frequently had to rescue me. I was kicked out of bars. I was cut out of my friends lives. I failed at out patient. I kept going in and out of the ER.

Turing Point #1: Finally, my parents had me committed and I stayed for 5 weeks. I was mad at first, cause I couldn't commit suicide very easily in a psych ward. But, I had this moment, 3 days in, when I realized that I deserved to be alive. I began to care about myself again, and believe I could change my life. That was almost 2 years ago. For a year after that, I was still depressed, still relapsing, but getting better, learning more and doing the best I could.


Turning Point # 2: I read A New Earth. HUUUGE shift. I no longer completely hated myself. I no longer felt inferior and insecure all the time. I saw the power my thoughts held. I saw that I was more than my life situation. I wasn't my mental illness... later, I found a boyfriend, started working and felt pretty good considering the chemical depression that still weighed on me.


Turning Point #3: I had just relapsed on alcohol for 3 days. On the third day I was found passed out in an alley, in the middle of the day. Someone called the cops, they took me to the ER first, then took me to jail. I woke up sick in jail, shaking, etc... really sick too because I've been already suffering with CFS and candida. Drinking made me feel horrible, but I did it anyway because I was so desperate to escape my fears. A week later I was still struggling (luckily my family and boyfriend we're by my side). Crying on the cold kitchen linolem floor, repeating to my mother "I have to treat this depression, I don't know how but I have to treat this depression." I knew if I didn't treat my deep chronic depression, I wouldn't be able to stay sober, and I might not be able to survive. I was at a breaking point. I hadn't been able to get enjoyment out of things. It finally forced me to look for alternatives to anti-depressants (because I couldnt handle their side-effects). I read Depression Free For Life, and started taking amino acid supplements. I was happy within 3 days. I cried I was so relieved.


Turning Point #4: Now- Things overall, are better than they have been in 3-4 years. But, I was getting more and more unhappy with my life situation. While hoping to avoid stress and focus on healing... I avoided all other aspects of LIFE. I lost touch with friends and didn't make new ones. I spent all my time on the couch... which for a while was necessary, but since I'm no longer so sick from eating more raw, I am able to do more. But I was acting scared. Afraid to work, afraid to go out in public alone. Afraid to try new things. Unmotivated to do hobbies. Just in a rut and demanding (in an unconsicous way) that my boyfriend make me happy. Pointing at him to explain my unhappiness... we began to fight, I started to resent who he was and how because he wasn't wanting to lead a more active, t.v.-free, computer-free, raw, spiritual lifestyle, I couldnt either. HAHA!

I moved home with my folks. I was sad the first 3 hours. then...I wasn't expecting this, but this strength came out of me. This confidence and drive that said "you can make your life full, and you will do it starting now." No more excuses, no more fear, no more doubts!

I'm unsure how this is happening, I'm surprised with myself. I know partly I'm taking more responsibility for my happiness (instead of putting on others, or saying is not possible to be happy) but I'm also doing something else. I'm believing in myself and caring about myself.

There were moments yesterday, and today, when I could of fallen into old patterns that would lead to a very dark place. I could of fulfilled the old beliefs that I am "sick" and "dont handle change well" I could have let a little negative thought turn into another, then another, then into sadness, then into anger, then into depression, then into desperation, then into suicidality. For some reason though, I don't fear losing control anymore. I've learned so much these past 2 years, I've built up a strong foundation, I am not the same person I was 2-3 years ago.

In those moments, I still felt pain, I still wanted to run from it initally... but I instead chose to just allow it to be there. And I went on walks, used CBT Help worksheets, stayed busy, chose pleasant thoughts, started an art project and spent time with family instead. It was a hard day, but at the same time, a peaceful and productive one. Though I ate a cooked dinner, I still did low-fat and I still ate raw during the day. I'm okay with that. I am trying again tomorrow!

I've very encourage by this and my confidence in handling life just keeps growing.

I want to keep on this path of adding joy and fulfillment into my life as well. I went to a raw meet up here today, and made a new friend who is going to join the support group I'm creating for people who need focus and encouragement to make diet and exercise changes! I'm excited for what life has to offer! I'm no longer empty and sad, because I'm finding ways to fill my life with joy! I needed to stop always trying to just fix my mind and be accepting of what is, but also, make my outside world more enjoyable! I want to continue my love relationship, but I want to focus more on other aspects of life and keep a level of independence. When you are at peace and living a fufilling life, you can be with someone cause you love them, not because you need them. A dependency develops eaily, not just for me, but  for most people. Talking everyday can even be excessive and distract you from friendships, hobbies and everything else! Plus, it's easy to become bored of one another. Time apart helps to keep things fresh and you spend time together when you want to enjoy one another's company.

It's hard at first, but push yourself and you'll be greatly rewarded.

I have more turning points coming in my life. These are just a few! I hope to hit walls and find ways to change, instead of repeating the same misery over and over again... instead of just letting life happen to you, you can use these opportunities to create the life you want!

Live the life you've always imagined.

What's stopping you now? Do you assume you'll live to 78? Do you assume some day you will have the courage? Some day you will be willing?