Learning To Be Raw

Copper Toxicity- Adrenal/Thyroid Imbalances

2009-12-10T20:53:00.000-06:00

I've never thought about zinc/copper ratios until yesterday, until I came across an article. This seems like it could be a huge discovery in my healing journey, HUGE.

Here are some articles I've been reading:

http://www.arltma.com/CopperElimDoc.htm

http://www.holistic-back-relief.com/copper-toxicity.html

While reading about the thyroid yesterday, I was amazed to learn how great a role copper and zinc levels play in hormone production. Evidently it's relatively easy and not all that uncommon to become low in zinc, while rising high in copper (to an almost toxic level), especially if you suffer from adrenal fatigue and thyroid imbalances.

I suspect that I have high-toxic levels of copper/low zinc, as a result of stress. I want to get tested for all my mineral levels, but until then, I think it's a good idea to supplement my diet with zinc (probably along with calcium and magnesium) and try to avoid high copper foods. I also plan on using a tanning bed 1-2x this Winter (i know, I know) to get vitamin D, keeping my stress low (to avoid more copper build up).

This whole thing is new to me and I can't be certain it's what is wrong, but my insticts tell me I'm on the right path. If my copper levels are high, lowering them can help my anxiety, insomnia, depression and hypoglycemia.. that will in turn help me sleep well, stay calmer and eat better... all of which helps my adrenals and my overall health.

This is what happens when you're positive and patient. Yesterday I envisioned myself being healthy and getting even healthier... when you stay positive and peaceful, you are able to see more solutions. When you think of what you want, and BELIEVE it will happen, you automatically move towards it. (call it the Law of Attraction if you wish)

:)

Finding My Courage Again

2009-11-28T19:59:00.002-06:00

Wow. What a 24 hour period.

This Monday would of been 6 months sober, but last night, I relapsed. It hit me, that my romantic relationship is actually over for good. I was terribly upset yesterday and thought "I just can't live with this." When I thought about "my life", which really means, "my life situation" it seemed so empty without him. Plus, I had already been choosing to find the negatives in my situation lately anyway... resentful the Winter weather, living with the parents, not working, all my free time, and the raw diet.

I woke up sick this morning, but grateful the whole thing happened. I drank, cried, and realized what I could go back to. Which is feeling sick all the time, stressed, depressed, furthering debt, destroying friendships, hurting my family and maybe even death. I knew it wasn't a path I wanted to go down, but in a moment of pain, I stopped caring. And, I didn't know how I would feel upon waking today... fearing I would be even more miserable and unable to cope.

I was a little anxious and unhappy this morning, of course, but was okay. I came to my senses, literally. I focused on my breathing. I stopped myself, when I started thinking about the night before, him, or tried to picture my next few months. I create my own reality... if I'm thinking negative thoughts, I will feel negative.

I listened to some Wayne Dryer and Tony Robbins, and felt re-impowered. Last night, I had mostly been fearing my ability to be happy, and thought I couldn't overcome this. But, I truely know that I hold the power. I will be happy no matter what my circumstances. I have regained that confidence and it's the most important thing to hold onto.

Plus, he is probably right, we're not a good match. I would of still loved to date for a while... and just see where it went, but you can't always get what you want. And maybe thats a sign that you shouldnt hold onto desires and believe you need to obtain them to be happy. It's a lesson I've been learning all year, "want what is." The more often things don't go as planned, the more I learn to surrender. :)

So, I'm having surprisingly decent day. Watching movies with glitter montages with my sister, the sun was out today, and I have a peace about me. Even deactivated my Facebook account, so I could spend less time online, and more time trying to enjoy people in person. :P

I know I will have hard days, but I will do my best to focus on the positive and truely I'll be an even better/happier person by the end of this. :D

1. Find the positive
2. Stay busy
3. Fill up your life with friends, family, hobbies, etc.
4. Enjoy the little things
5. Find evidence of your strength daily, always know your power

Hyperthyroid and Still Not Being Raw

2009-11-18T21:03:00.000-06:00

I'm having a hard time pushing through the low-fat raw diet side effects. I was 100% raw yesterday, and ended up having a horrible nights sleep. I know that I feel more restless, irritable, anxious, tense, and have sleeping problems on 811. It's also incredibly frustrating to have to eat 4,000 calories of fruit and not to mention, economically impossible at this point.

But, I think if I could just stick with it, for those 3 months, I would find things vastly improving.

I know I have CFS, candida, adrenal fatigue, hypoglycemia and some sort of thyroid problem. I used to think I was hypo, but I just realized it's most likely HYPER.

Some symptoms of HYPERthyroidism:
"There is a wide range of signs and symptoms including weight loss with increased appetite, anxiety, tiredness, sleep disturbances, muscle weakness, intolerance to heat, tremors, muscle weakness, enlarged thyroid (Goiter), a bulging of one or both of your eyes, vision problems, diarrhea, faster heart rate and shortness of breath. Women may experience decreased menstrual flow and irregular cycles."

I have all the symptoms but a goiter, and it would explain why I always need to eat, but never gain any weight. I don't know if I could get chubby if I wanted to. I'll go to the free clinic tomorrow so I can get my blood drawn and set up a dental appt.

One of the most important things you can do for your thyroid is improve your immune system. 811/raw heals the immune system for sure. But it's also extremely important that I stay calm and peaceful.

Also, foods that suppress the thyroid that I love to eat are:
-spinach
-kale
-pears
-peaches
I will up these while eating raw!

Today I ended up choosing rice and lentils, just to feel more relaxed. I do want to do 811, I'm just a little fragile right now, and I'm missing my man, so sleep is hard enough as is. : /

Major Turning Points In Life

2009-11-14T23:21:00.002-06:00

The past two days have been some of the most important days of this year... maybe even of this life.
After leaving my boyfriend's house, and not really speaking to him the past couple of days, I feared I would fall back into old patterns.
History: I have very strong "borderline" traits that have previously caused chaos, destruction, and depression. When problems arose before, I reacted with stress and desperation. I have been in recovery (from my last major, major breakdown) for 2 years, but still wasn't handling even day to day life stressors well. The last break up I went through left with me symptoms of PTSD (no joke). I had extreme pain and lonliness during and 6 months after our break up. Abused alochol and drugs all day, did weird things. Ran out of the E.R room while waiting for the doctor, my arm still cut open and bloody and no shoes on. Got home and drank some more. Also, I overdosed to try to die. People frequently had to rescue me. I was kicked out of bars. I was cut out of my friends lives. I failed at out patient. I kept going in and out of the ER.

Turing Point #1: Finally, my parents had me committed and I stayed for 5 weeks. I was mad at first, cause I couldn't commit suicide very easily in a psych ward. But, I had this moment, 3 days in, when I realized that I deserved to be alive. I began to care about myself again, and believe I could change my life. That was almost 2 years ago. For a year after that, I was still depressed, still relapsing, but getting better, learning more and doing the best I could.

Turning Point # 2: I read A New Earth. HUUUGE shift. I no longer completely hated myself. I no longer felt inferior and insecure all the time. I saw the power my thoughts held. I saw that I was more than my life situation. I wasn't my mental illness... later, I found a boyfriend, started working and felt pretty good considering the chemical depression that still weighed on me.

Turning Point #3: I had just relapsed on alcohol for 3 days. On the third day I was found passed out in an alley, in the middle of the day. Someone called the cops, they took me to the ER first, then took me to jail. I woke up sick in jail, shaking, etc... really sick too because I've been already suffering with CFS and candida. Drinking made me feel horrible, but I did it anyway because I was so desperate to escape my fears. A week later I was still struggling (luckily my family and boyfriend we're by my side). Crying on the cold kitchen linolem floor, repeating to my mother "I have to treat this depression, I don't know how but I have to treat this depression." I knew if I didn't treat my deep chronic depression, I wouldn't be able to stay sober, and I might not be able to survive. I was at a breaking point. I hadn't been able to get enjoyment out of things. It finally forced me to look for alternatives to anti-depressants (because I couldnt handle their side-effects). I read Depression Free For Life, and started taking amino acid supplements. I was happy within 3 days. I cried I was so relieved.

Turning Point #4: Now- Things overall, are better than they have been in 3-4 years. But, I was getting more and more unhappy with my life situation. While hoping to avoid stress and focus on healing... I avoided all other aspects of LIFE. I lost touch with friends and didn't make new ones. I spent all my time on the couch... which for a while was necessary, but since I'm no longer so sick from eating more raw, I am able to do more. But I was acting scared. Afraid to work, afraid to go out in public alone. Afraid to try new things. Unmotivated to do hobbies. Just in a rut and demanding (in an unconsicous way) that my boyfriend make me happy. Pointing at him to explain my unhappiness... we began to fight, I started to resent who he was and how because he wasn't wanting to lead a more active, t.v.-free, computer-free, raw, spiritual lifestyle, I couldnt either. HAHA!

I moved home with my folks. I was sad the first 3 hours. then...I wasn't expecting this, but this strength came out of me. This confidence and drive that said "you can make your life full, and you will do it starting now." No more excuses, no more fear, no more doubts!

I'm unsure how this is happening, I'm surprised with myself. I know partly I'm taking more responsibility for my happiness (instead of putting on others, or saying is not possible to be happy) but I'm also doing something else. I'm believing in myself and caring about myself.

There were moments yesterday, and today, when I could of fallen into old patterns that would lead to a very dark place. I could of fulfilled the old beliefs that I am "sick" and "dont handle change well" I could have let a little negative thought turn into another, then another, then into sadness, then into anger, then into depression, then into desperation, then into suicidality. For some reason though, I don't fear losing control anymore. I've learned so much these past 2 years, I've built up a strong foundation, I am not the same person I was 2-3 years ago.

In those moments, I still felt pain, I still wanted to run from it initally... but I instead chose to just allow it to be there. And I went on walks, used CBT Help worksheets, stayed busy, chose pleasant thoughts, started an art project and spent time with family instead. It was a hard day, but at the same time, a peaceful and productive one. Though I ate a cooked dinner, I still did low-fat and I still ate raw during the day. I'm okay with that. I am trying again tomorrow!

I've very encourage by this and my confidence in handling life just keeps growing.

I want to keep on this path of adding joy and fulfillment into my life as well. I went to a raw meet up here today, and made a new friend who is going to join the support group I'm creating for people who need focus and encouragement to make diet and exercise changes! I'm excited for what life has to offer! I'm no longer empty and sad, because I'm finding ways to fill my life with joy! I needed to stop always trying to just fix my mind and be accepting of what is, but also, make my outside world more enjoyable! I want to continue my love relationship, but I want to focus more on other aspects of life and keep a level of independence. When you are at peace and living a fufilling life, you can be with someone cause you love them, not because you need them. A dependency develops eaily, not just for me, but for most people. Talking everyday can even be excessive and distract you from friendships, hobbies and everything else! Plus, it's easy to become bored of one another. Time apart helps to keep things fresh and you spend time together when you want to enjoy one another's company.

It's hard at first, but push yourself and you'll be greatly rewarded.

I have more turning points coming in my life. These are just a few! I hope to hit walls and find ways to change, instead of repeating the same misery over and over again... instead of just letting life happen to you, you can use these opportunities to create the life you want!

Live the life you've always imagined.

What's stopping you now? Do you assume you'll live to 78? Do you assume some day you will have the courage? Some day you will be willing?

Teeth Are Feeling Better

2009-11-11T13:40:00.001-06:00

I've been oil pulling for 2 days now. Using an unrefined organic coconut oil, but heard sesame is best :( ...oh well, I already bought it! Swish it in my mouth for 20 minutes, rinse with water twice, brush with soap and then start drinking my smoothie.
I've been brushing after every meal (not too hard) and using mostly Kiss My Face olive oil bar soap (that only costs $1.99) and using Tom's of Maine flouride toothpaste when my tooth aches, which isn't very often now.
I'm getting at least 1 head of greens in a day... rotating between lacino kale, dino kale, spinach, romaine and green leaf! (previously I was sometimes only getting 1/2 head of greens and never any dark ones).
Taking a coral calcium supplement, as well as liquid minerals. (Yes, I know it's not 811, but I am going to stick with my supplements until I've been 100% for a few months).

My teeth feel super clean and I think they're whiter already. I still get some tooth pain, but not the all over type of aches and sensitivity. I think I have a cavity that needs to be filled but even that is hurting less and doesn't bother me after every meal. When it does hurt, I use toothpaste (not soap) and it feels better within moments.

I'm having trouble staying motivated lately to eat raw, but still doing it the best I can. It's weird, I just feel apathetic about it all... I'm sure it will pass in a few more days. I'll keep on sippin' on my smoothies anyway!

Changes Made To Address Tooth Pain on 811

2009-11-07T16:19:00.001-06:00

My teeth have been problematic my whole life, but I noticed they have been getting worse since eating 80/10/10 about 90-95% (and always keeping low-fat) for the past 6-7 weeks. I started questioning whether or not I should eat fruit. It hurt when I did, even if it was just a smoothie. I've noticed a LOT of holes on my teeth, along with increased pain and sensitivity. I will add that I had also been brushing with water most of the time the past 3 weeks, instead of paste.

After doing some research, I came to the conclusion that I can stay on the low-fat raw diet, but must make some adjustments in the beginning. They include brushing with paste/soap after every meal, using straws, taking a calcium + vitamin D supplement, getting more sunshine, and increasing mineral intake via supplements and dark leafy greens.

I Hate Myself and My Life

2009-11-05T16:58:00.002-06:00

Started having problems with my teeth. They hurt after fruit meals. I became uncomfortable with eating fruit today. Felt like it was dangerous for the well being of my mouth. I tend to over react and make rash decisions. So, I ended up eating salad with olives, and rice crackers for lunch. This is incredibily depressing to me. My acceptance of what is has become very low again and I'm being way too hard on myself. I see that this is going on, I'm going to attempt to find some peace through challenging my negative thoughts...

1. I will never get healthy
2. I need to be my healthiest
3. I am shameful in my mental instability
4. I should be a stronger person
5. I make too many mistakes
6. I will never be good enough
7. People think I'm bad
8. I don't deserve to live
9. Life is too difficult, things are so terrible
10. I am ready to die

At least I can see that these are DISTORTED thoughts. They are not only making me misrable, they are not true.

1. I enjoy life no matter what state my health is in, and it's much better than it was, I can walk farther, do more activities, think more clearly and feel much less discomfort and depression.
2. I am already more healthy than not (cause I'm alive!) and it's really about the journey. These times are just as wonderful as the future. These times are going to be looked upon fondly one day. The time when I made difficult but rewarding changes slowly, each day. I might say... "it was such a roller coaster, always something new, but I learned so much and felt so alive... it was an exciting, beautful time, even during moments of pain."
3. Having mental instability is common and just makes for more learning experiences and variety in life. I love myself even when I am struggling with the ego and it's dellusions. It's an opportunity to show all the skills I've already learned and to show my determination. It makes me that much stronger and wiser of a person.
4. I am strong becuase I don't drink alcohol or self harm, and even often stay raw during strong negative emotions. I am strong because I always pick myself back up and figure out a way to make it work, to overcome a mental or situational problem. "Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, I will try again tomorrow." I may fall a million times, but I will never give up on myself again.
5. Mistakes are essential to finding success. Each time you make a mistake, you're one step closer.
6. I am already whole. I am life. Just here in this physical form to experience what happens and observe the world. I am the awareness. I am already whole, I am already perfect, because I am love. Love is perfect.
7. Most people think that I am good. They see my flaws, but they also see my attributes. People are loved and accepted even without perfection, even with seriously difficult flaws such as a personality disorder. I love my brother unconditionally, he has depression and is very negative. I love him just as he is. People in my life, love me just as I am.
8. Life is NOT a matter of deserving to live or not to live. We are just here. There are no requirements or accomplisments neccessary to be worthy enough for life.
9. Yes, sometimes life is difficult, but that is wonderful! Mostly though, life is quite calm and enjoyable. I appreciate the downs, because they make the ups more significant. There is so much beauty around me. Simple things are to be cherished, like cute kids, fall leaves, and riped bananas.
10. By the end of writing all of those, I no longer feel so dark and hopeless. I need to change my expectations that things are supposed to go a certain way, that life is supposed to always be moving forward, always easy and nice. I might die tomorrow, living til 78 isnt a guarentee. If today was my last day, I would be disappointed. Being here is quite great!

Being grateful for what is... challenge the beliefs that something is negative.

Day 10, Decided to Vlog!

2009-11-02T21:11:00.001-06:00

Some people who come to the raw diet are already healthy and happy, and some even switch to 100% overnight. But for many of us, going/staying raw is an overwhelming challenge that we feel pressured to obtain out of necessity, because of failing mental/physical state. I know how important it can be to find consistency with diet/lifestyle in order to feel well. (I also know that struggling makes us more grateful and compassionate people <3)

We have to lean on one another, binge on knowledge, and be persistent until we can achieve our ideal diet. I hope to have people relate, and possibilty benefit from my experiences... but mostly just relate!

Part 1- explains what I'm eating, symptoms I'm seeing relief from, symptoms that are still present and side effects to the diet.

Part 2- my personal struggles and tips to for finding diet success.

Thanks for watching <3 Being able to do this is a coping skill in itself!

Staying Raw Idea

2009-11-01T14:16:00.000-06:00

The old A.A. phrase "one day at a time," used to sound good, but didn't have much personal meaning to me, because I was never able to stop feeling defeated and overwhelmed by time.

Something is really different lately, and I will tell you what it is...

I don't think about being raw for long-term. I don't think about being raw next week! I think about being raw TODAY.

When cravings strike (and they often do), or when I feel apathetic, discouraged, even self sabotaging, I remind myself of the only goal I have: push through today. Not, "push through today, everyday" but JUST today, just this moment.

Most of the day is pretty smooth luckily. I usually don't even become frustrated with the diet until the evening, around 7-8pm. So, I remind myself that is only a few more hours til bed...

A thought process: "Grrrrr, I want a grilled cheese like the one Derek is eating right now... damn, I miss fatty foods! Wait! okay, just make til 10:00pm... just make it through tonight, you will survive the next few hours without a bite."

You know what I learned after a few nights without being able to act on my urge? That I'm strong and building confidence!

I think there is a tendency (for some) to fear cravings, because we are typically so compelled to act on them. The truth is, we can ignore them! I'm an emotional eater and when I feel a little down, I still want to reach for a pick me up. The difference now is, I know that feeling passes without having to act on it. Those of us who are obsessive understand the feeling of a nagging craving which seems like it won't go away until you fulfill it. And if you tend to have lower self esteem, it's easy to feel defeated... to believe the craving will get the best of you eventually, so you might as well just dive in now. We don't see ourselves as strong as the urge itself, but, once you deny your cravings a few times, you build confidence! You stop fearing those urges, you don't even take them seriously.

Also, it's a simple idea, but hard to actually BELIEVE that we can and will stop craving those foods within a short time. The craving won't last. Even if I fall asleep still desiring the greasy meal I saw 3 hours earlier, I never wake up feeling that way!

I accept that sometimes a part of me desires an unhealthy meal. I am now learning I have the ability to FEEL that discomfort of not obtaining those desires. I am building a tolerance.

Each time you don't feed a desire, it starts to lose it's strength... that little voice that is "always wanting," loses clout.

Peace!
-9 days 100%

Day 5 without A SINGLE cheat!

2009-10-28T11:45:00.000-06:00

Ohhh, it feels GREAT to be back on a little 100% 811 raw streak! It is day 5 already!

Since Sept. 17th 2009, I've been eating very high raw. It's now been almost 6 weeks... though I did have quite a few slip ups that included; veggie sub from subway 1x, 4 meals of low-fat canned soup, meat sandwich 1x, cheese quesadilla 1x, and occasional sneaking a few potato chips. Ewe, sounds so bad, but on the really bad cheats, I was very mentally unstable. :P

So, I would say I had 3 really terrible meals, 4 not great ones, that add up to 7 meals non 811rv, which means I've eaten around 95% raw for 6 weeks!
Prior to Sept. 17th, I had been eating what I thought would be a diet to stabilize my blood sugar and thus mood. It was made up of homemade beans, rice, lentils, vegetables, rice chex, rice cakes and even some chicken and turkey :(... but at least was keeping low-fat because of candida. I was grossed out with the constant eating of these meals, and still felt sick, tired and depressed.
I got so fed up with eating/feeling that way, I decided to just jump into 811 again, but really trust in it this time, going longer than 1 week, and eating plenty of calories. And, even though I don't feel amazing yet, I'm feeling better and better and completely trust (no longer EVER doubt) that this is the path of true healing.

I've also increased my activity! I walk more, longer, and even jog a little. I'm also trying to do yoga more and do things on my feet more, like cleaning. It's really a practice of pushing myself, even when I'm tired or down, to still be productive, because that too helps with my depression and will get me closer to being able to work part-time again!

I'm very blessed to be eating this diet and I'm excited to become athletic again! My life is on a beautiful path and I'm learning to create balance and joy!

Accepting and Loving What Is

2009-10-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

Important- Keeping motivation for 80/10/10, without holding dependence. I want to stay motivated by listing all the reason I love to eat raw. But not saying things like "it will save me, heal me and make everything all better" but "I enjoy it, I feel peaceful afterwards, I am helping the earth."

80/10/10 is not going to cure me tomorrow. I don't want it to. I honor the state that my body and mind are in at each moment. The variety is quite interesting, I rarely have the same two days in a row. There are days I stay in bed, feeling like I have the flu and without energy (though rare when I do 811), but I get to enjoy movies and practice acceptance. I learn to appreciate the days when I feel more energy and less sickness. I love these days, just as much as I love the easy ones. There are days when I'm calm and peaceful. when my focus is strong and I float through the day. Days when my mood is good, but I'm low in energy and feel apathetic. Days when I'm too energetic, anxious and dizzy. Days when I feel very emotional, tense, cry easily and feel like giving up. sometimes I briefly do "give up" in certain aspects. But, I eventually release all that is built up, and find more peace after, than I had in a very long time. I also come out more aware and more brave. I love all these days.

Right now my body is a little tense, and I'm having a stimulated feeling. I'm a little sad and uncomfortable being away from my boyfriend. I worry about being successful with raw. I worry about losing control and failing.

I accept where all of these things. I see that these fears are of the ego and I just detach myself from them. I see that my body/chemistry isn't always balanced, and I am grateful for what that has to offer me. I am on a path of healing, I like the choices I'm making most (nearly all) of the time, but I do not depend on perfect health for happiness. Happiness is in my lap. it is in my heart. sometimes shadowed by ego-created dysfunction.

Today was not ideal. I was not ideal. my family was not either. But I do not want ideal. I want what is. Why? Because what is is beautiful. Why? Because what is holds an equal amount of good and bad. Because today I got to be conscious and experience life.

Today was wonderful because I was here, because I laughed, I smiled with strangers, I realized I'm just a drop of water in the massive, powerful ocean of life, because my dog jumped on me with excitement, because I wasn't hurt or injured. because I wasn't faced with an extremely difficult decision. because I was free to do what I pleased, because I had food available to eat, because I ate 75% of my calories from fruit. because I made a poor decision to eat a potato and beans, which lead me to write this and grow as a person. because I accept myself and choose to no longer punish myself when I don't make the best decisions. because I chose to learn today, instead of dig myself deeper.

I love eating fruit. It feels good in many ways. makes me feel clean, light, healthy, relaxed, loving, peaceful, proud, guilt-free. I love fruit because it heals my digestion and immune system. because it holds energy for me to utilize. because it is the essence of love. it gives to me what I need, and takes nothing in return. It's easy to clean up after, easy to shop for and store. It supports life/the environment. It has only biodegradable waste. (unless they put the bananas in a bag, as some companies do.. hehe). It gives me great bowel movements which I am quite proud of. It is the best thing for me. It is amazing opportunity to be able to live off of fruits, greens and celery and I am not going to throw it away. I will continue to eat raw, continue to improve on my consistency with the diet, and eventually become aligned with it, naturally. Pressing to hard is not the key. persistence, patience and kindness is the key.

Love yourself. See the good in what you do. see the good in the world. see the good in your loved ones. see the good in your enemies.

Figuring Out Caloric Needs On 811

2009-10-05T13:53:00.000-05:00

Haha! I have started over in my days. What the hell? 2 days after my little slip up, I had 3 more cooked meals, even had a taco from Taco Bell (a food I don't even normally eat cause I try to be gluten-free vegan)! Ahhh! My digestion is just getting back to calm 5 days later! It was just a messy week and I needed to start fresh. Although, I still keep in mind that it's sort of like 18 days.

Today I've had:
4 bananas + blueberries smoothie
distilled water (amino acid supplements)
6 bananas + blueberries smoothie

Because I've been more active the past couple of days, I'm trying to get closer to 3,000 calories. On a cooked diet, I on average got about 1,500 a day. That kept my weight at a low 110-115lb, while doing very little exercise. I find that on the 80/10/10 raw diet, I have to consume closer to 2,000-2,200 in order to avoid low blood sugar and the resulting anxiety and irritability. I'm still unsure about how my caloric needs increase when my activity goes up. Yesterday I was very active and still only did 2,200 calories. I woke up in the middle of the night with a low blood sugar attack. So, evidently, if I'm more active I need to go towards at least 2,500-2,700. I guess it's sort of trial and error.

I have to say though, this diet is extremely easy to prepare. I know I can't just live off bananas and greens forever, but for right now, it makes the diet enjoyable, simplistic and affordable.

Don't Start Back At "Day 1" After Slip-up

2009-09-29T15:07:00.000-05:00

Today should actually be day 13, but last night I ate a veggie sandwich and 1 baked potato. I don't think it's fair to start back at "day 1" because of one slip-up. Maybe if I had a couple of days off the diet, but not after just one meal. Going back to day 1 makes it feel like the last 11 days didn't happen. Sure, my outcome will not be exactly the same on day 30 as it would of had I not eaten the 1 cooked meal, but it will still be pretty significant... and I will just add on more time (1 extra day at least) to my goal, before I evaluate whether this diet is helping me. Once I decide to become a 100% seriously committed 811rv I will start counting days strictly, like one would in A.A.

Why did I slip up?
-After having had a bad day (resulting from quitting my job I JUST started), I saw myself as bad, and wanted to just keep acting in accordance with that, perhaps? I know that I have been very "mind identified" the past few days and so sticking to the diet has become more challenging. It's easy to believe the thoughts your ego creates. It's easy to have moments of not caring about yourself... of self destruction, or punishment. Why would anyone want to punish themselves? Cause they are confused about who they really are... believing they are the voice in the head, that has the identity of either "good" or "bad".
-It's also easy to become apathetic after a week on a diet. This may happen especially if you start having some relief in your symptoms, and thus begin to forget just how miserable you were with your old diet/lifestyle.

How Can I Keep Going?
-Watching videos and reading articles on 80/10/10 to help stay motivated and excited about this choice, but remember its a trial and I should not demand or expect this diet to make me feel awesome.
-Self affirmations like "I want this," "30 days before evaluating or doubting" and "I like eating fruit, its enjoyable and stress-free"
-Develop more structure in my day (less time to be lost in thoughts) and to also build up self esteem, and also endurance for pushing through discomfort, whether it be depression, sickness, or cravings. Because of depression and chronic fatigue, I've lost a lot of my good habits and have become used to spending my days in bed. I need to push myself to be more active (not over doing it of course).
-Daily positives list. Make sure I catch negative thoughts and address them quickly, otherwise if left to, they will snowball into a terrible mood that takes much work to undo. Keep a notepad near by to jot down a unhelpful thought in that moment, and challenge it by saying the opposite. For example: "I don't want to feel dizzy anymore, I feel dizzy on 80/10/10"
challenge: "I want to feel dizzy because, it helps me appreciate the times when I do feel good more, because it gives me opportunity to learn how to be happy despite what happens with my body or life situation, and it helps me develop more compassion to those with vertigo or similar issues. I also felt dizzy on the cooked diet as well, not just with 811"

I'm gonna keep this up because its really worth a try.

Today's Meals (thus far)
-3 bananas in a.m. (after waking up, I ate to help me fall back asleep)
-green smoothie: 5 big bananas, 1 head greens
-4 oranges

3 glasses of water

Feels Almost Too Easy

2009-09-24T22:17:00.000-05:00

It's day 8 of Banana Island and things are going surprisingly smooth. Smooth like a smoothie. For some reason, I'm not really struggling. I have mild cravings, but otherwise, it's sort of flying by and I like how simple meal making is now.

It's so bizarre to think, but I've eaten about 170 bananas. Way beyond what most people will go through within a few years. What's silly is that I have to shop for bananas nearly everyday, cause I just can't seem to buy 50 bananas at once. I get 30 and it just looks like so much, that I figure it will be more than enough for "a while". Half way through the day, I'm wondering what happened to that huge pile of naners!

I was considering doing a 1-3 day unsupervised fast, as I hear Douglas Graham recommends fasting for repairing the adrenals and thyroid. My cravings are still around though, especially for meat (hmmm, the fat?) so going on hungry is a bit dangerous. The day would probably end with bbq sauce on around my lips and on chicken strips in my belly. yuck, eh?

811- Banana Island, 6 Days In and Rolling With It

2009-09-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

BANANA ISLAND!

Once again, I've come back to raw (it's just part of the process to come and go, right?)

It's different every time I come back to raw (whether after a long hiatus, or just 2 day slip up). I come back with more knowledge, more patience and more skills... so basically more prepared.

I think my biggest interference with successfully sticking to a diet has been stressing over the diet. I start a raw diet (various versions) with so much enthusiasm, faithful that it would cure me of chronic fatigue, save me from depression and eventually make me magical! After a few days of intensely and meticulously following the diet, I start to have doubts and question whether it could live up to all that I had imagined. I developed anxious thoughts that preoccupied my day and made me diet obsessed (which in turns make you want to eat) ..."What if this diet doesn't work, or I do it wrong?... what if this diet creates MORE health problems... what if it's not right for me specifically?" I would also focus more on my symptoms, even though I had them during the cooked diet. I would be concerned when they hadn't gone away, or slightly increased after only a few days on the diet. lol. I'm silly. "Hey, I just ate a banana and I'm not feeling any better yet!"

What it comes down to, when I face reality, is that I am very sick on cooked foods and although I could stabilize some symptoms with particular cooked diets, ultimately, it was a DEAD END. I knew it deep down... to truly heal, it would take a pure diet, it would take a low-fat raw vegan diet. I started to understand that real, noticable healing would take months, or even years... I CAN NOT expect to feel better immediately, I shouldn't evaluate my symptoms daily and after only a week or two on a diet.

I'm taking a much more casual approach now. Will this diet heal me of all my ailments? Maybe, maybe not, but it's worth a shot. Either way, I will be okay. There are so many benefits to illness, I do not need it to disappear. I appreciate all states my body goes through :)

So, my commitment is 3 months, before I evaluate and even consider that 80/10/10 isn't right for me. I'm doing 4 more days of Banana Island, then adding more varities of fruit and some small amounts of avocado.

The BEST diet for Candida and Chronic Fatigue?

2009-08-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

I've finally decided to put my faith into the 80/10/10 raw diet. After giving it a LOT of thought and trying out various types of raw and cooked diets, I realized I can either do low-fat, high carb or high-fat, low-carb. There's no in between. If I do even low sugar fruit during the day, but fatty nut/seeds at night, the brain fog gives the feeling of being intoxicated. Sometimes its nice to be in this loopey, silly state, but of course I'd rather not have the 70 toxins released in my body and an inability to think clearly. And of course, the depression and anxiety that follows.

Also, doing low-carb is almost impossible for me. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I had almost no energy, felt sluggish and heavy and stressed over cravings. Eating high fruit just feels natural and easy for me. Especially when it includes lots of greens.

I really agree with Douglas Grahams points and know that healing is very likely on this type of diet. Its never just one thing though, its a combination. The low-fat will help prevent excess sugar from sticking in the blood, but also, this diet will help to heal organs, improve adrenal function, and keep me hydrated, among many others. I also have to try to sleep earlier, have frequent small meals, stay relaxed and positive, avoid stressful situations or shows, laugh, dance, do hobbies, take walks, deep breath, and so on. Having faith in what you do it also important. I've had a tendency to give up on things too quickly, without letting them fully prove themselves.

I'm not ready to take it on today. It will happen when its meant to. Important thing is to keep the candida in check first, then focus on deeper healing. :)

Peanut Butter= Fluid in the ear

2009-06-25T16:22:00.000-05:00

So, I'm suspecting this full feeling in my ear is fluid. (I just got off the phone with a nautropathic doctor). Evidently, this fluid build up is common for those with candida and food sensitivities.

Its a good reminder that I need to cut out soy, sugar, peanuts, corn products (among others) and keep gluten-free, vegan. Even if I don't eat raw, I have to stick to just beans, rice and cooked veggies.

http://www.holistichelp.net/blog/ear-pressure-potential-causes/

I'm serious about going all raw very soon. Currently I've been do 50% since I havent felt the best. It's hard trying to eat all raw when you're sick. Well, I'm always sort of sick, but its just been worse the past week.

So, I'm very confident now that I cannot eat many foods because they actually will cause a reaction. I'm going to have to deal with the way it is now, push through feeling dizzy and congested and just learn from my mistakes.

All raw is coming soon. I'm not fucking around with my health anymore.

Focusing Too Much on Symptoms Again

2009-06-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

I sort of got carried away with idea that I was healing super quickly, cause I had such a huge improvement in my moods with the supplements. Things like hair loss, fatigue, dizziness and all the other little things like bloating, are gonna take a long time. I have to get on all raw diet (95%) and stick to it for a while, to notice serious improvements. I'm gonna need to be patient and lower my expectations. I might be putting in a lot of work, making lots of changes, but not notice the benefits for months down the road. I just do what I think is "right" for my body and mind, and not worry about the results, cause I cannot control everything.

I don't mind if my body isn't completely in balance today. It's okay :)

The idea is to be happy with where my health is at right now, and my appearance. Maybe even go back to that Katie Byron idea. "I don't want the chronic fatigue syndrome to go away because... I'm opening up to life and apprecitating the small things."

Let things be. Don't think about them. When you're mind wants to go rambling down the path of repetitive thoughts related to mental, physical health and moods, just recognize it, and come back into the now. Don't chase those thoughts.

Depression improvement w/amino acids, but...

2009-06-19T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm learning that depression can be eased/treated, before healing the root cause of your depression (such as chronic fatigue syndrome, etc). I suffered for years, thinking that there was nothing I could do but wait until my body healed completely. But, my general health was very slow to improve because of the depression. It made it difficult to stay on the diet and be active. I frequently cried, panic attacks and was just overall negative. Personality problems were also difficult to manage. I felt stuck in a catch-22.

I realized that if I had to treat the depression and anxiety. After reading parts of "Depression Free for Life" and "Healing Depression and Bipolar Disorders Without Drugs," I've learned so much! I've already experienced this first hand. Since taking the supplements SAM-e, amino acid complex, GABA, L-Thealalaine, and 5-HTP, I have noticed a SIGNIFICANT improvement in my mood.

-My focus has improved: I was able to pick up a book, easily comprehend and enjoy reading it. It's been over 2 years since I have been able to sit down and read for 2 hours.
-I enjoy life more, I see a point in getting up in the morning: I get pleasure out of small things again.
-More energy: I can take walks without feeling exhausted and needing to lay down afterward.
-Mental Clarity
-More confident
-More talkative, cheerful, and social
-Less pain: headaches are less common.

I just started noticing negative side effects (almost 2 weeks into the Sam-e, 1 week into GABA, L-Thealaline, and max amino caps, and 2 days into 5-HTP): I believe that the SAM-e has been increasing my anger/agitation, and anxiety. I feel colder, less compassionate/less connected to others and I'm having more trouble sleeping. I'm not sure why this is happening, but I'm going to read as much as I can to find out. The symptoms were at their worse yesterday, and yesterday I also started taking the serotonin boosting amino acid 5-HTP. It might be that I added 5-HTP in combination with the SAM-e... it might be a problem with my adrenal glands, I just don't know... but I will find out! I think many people are prone to hypomania symptoms when given any type of stimulant, but there should be a reason and a way to reverse it.

I've also been doing green smoothies for the breakfast and lunch, then low-fat rice/lentil/bean type dishes for dinner, slowly working my way back to a nearly all raw diet has become much easier the past few days, with these improvements!

Softening My Anger This Morning

2009-06-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

I woke up late, became very agitated with life and then realized I could pause and slowly soften my heart, slowly relax and find peace.

Positives of the NOW, of right now!

-I do not feel ill, depressed, suicidal, panicked,
-I am free of aches and pains
-My mind is clearer
-I have more energy
-Listening to Eckhart Tolle, growing my awareness of this moment, learning to accept what is and stop trying to change the external, but look deep into life. There is no use for worry. Things work out and I don't mind what happens.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwr4zCuEmw0
-The air is cool
-Toby is near by
-I am smiling
-I can take deep breathes
-I don't mind what happens
-There are no problems, right here, now, only mind made problems
-I am learning to approach each moment with awareness and spaciousness
-There is everything I need to be happy, I need nothing to gain, nothing to change, or avoid having change, the externals are irrelevant when I can find mental peace within the now

Moods and Foods

2009-06-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

I got up, made a green smoothie... but then by the afternoon started getting down and ate fruit loops with animal crackers. I think I felt like I needed junk food. That I felt bad so I deserved it. This is a problem. I need to push through my anxiety and depression completely, not just find lesser evils to alcohol. Those junk foods are so bad for my health, mental and physical.

So, I've got to get back to practicing pushing through moods without acting on them. I cannot use food as a coping skill!

Journal or talk it out... distract yourself... find some other method cause reaching for cookies just makes everything worse.

This could be my method in thinking:
1. Accept
2. Try to think positive, if that doesn't help, DO something positive
3. Let it pass through, without drinking, cutting, or eating

Baby Stepping

2009-06-09T11:37:00.001-05:00

Today is the first day I've woken up feeling refreshed and pain-free in over a week! I joyously walked my little doggy, put on some Eckhart Tolle (book on CD) and now I'm about to make a banana/apple/kale smoothie!

I'm excited for my long term goals, like hopefully getting back into school in the Spring, gaining my degree and then working as a counselor. But I know those goals. They are pretty clear... and I need to let them be for now. I have to ask, what can I do THIS WEEK TO IMPROVE? Need to focus on short-term goals, the small stuff, and really feel proud about them once accomplished.

Short-term goals/Baby steps:
-stay sober (no self-harming or self sabotaging behaviors)
-go to STEPPS class 1x week (a Borderline Personality Disorder group)
-do daily meditation and personal therapy (total-1hour a day)
-sleep earlier, wake up earlier
-eat high raw, drink lots of filtered water
-find part-time work (this one I will give myself time to find, want to make sure I'm ready so I can keep it!)

Trying To Be Grateful

2009-05-26T14:17:00.000-05:00

I could really feel sorry for myself by playing out a "poor me" story. I have health problems that affect my brain chemistry. Leaving me with anxiety, depression and mood swings and makes struggling with a "personality disorder" very challenging. I'm broke, fatigued, get sick a lot, living at home with my parents, lost my job here, don't have any friends around, I've destroyed the loving relationship I had with Derek. And all of these problems would improve if I - A. cope with all moods, even panic attacks, without making unwise decisions and B. heal my depression and fatigue with diet and cleanses.

My life is difficult right now, but its temporary. Some day I will look back on this and be glad it all happened. Plus, it could be much worse. What if I had a serious drug addiction to deal with as well? Even just having to deal with cigarettes, like David. I could have cancer, be facing jail time, homeless, without a single friend, without Derek's friendship, without family. I'm blessed because:
-I have knowledge about diet and detox. I know that I can heal. Many people suffer and never know they can improve, they take meds that make their system worse.
-I have a wonderful, patient "ex-boyfriend" who believes in me.
-I have the resources to improve my self esteem.
-I have family and a free home to live in. I have soo many things. Man, writing this out is really getting me thinking.

Trouble

2009-04-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

Guess I wasn't ready. I ate raw for breakfast and lunch. But this evening I ate gluten-free cereal and soy milk, then some rice and potato chips.

I'm going to give myself a couple of more days to work back up to it. Last night I ate pizza and Arby's so I really need to have a few stepping stones to raw. So, for the next two days, keep vegan and gluten-free, with my morning green smoothie of course.

My anxiety has been really high, and I know its the candida that flared back up. I feel like I'm always on the verge of a panic attack! All the sugar I've been eating too... its been making me "happy" but of course increases adrenaline and thus anxiety, like all stimulants. Plus, its going to make my depression worse when I get off it.

But anyway, I can't worry about symptoms. I just have to live in the moment, roll with what happens, and be grateful that things aren't worse. So, before I go to bed, I'm going to write in my "health journal" and create a list of positives and self praise.

Eating Sprouts, Planting Seeds

2009-04-14T20:09:00.000-05:00

Walked for an hour

Banana, red delicious apple

Green smoothie: 2 bananas, 1 head Russian kale, 2 gala apples, 3 prunes, 1 tbsp agave

Spinach, 1 orange

Walked for 30 minutes

Salad: broccoli, spinach, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts, 2 servings Annie's Roasted Red Pepper dressing

Pasta: rice noodles, cooked zucchini, red pepper, raw tomato sauce, fresh basil, rice cakes, beans. (obviously not raw... I've been eating cooked dinners for a few nights... plan on giving 100% a go again tomorrow!)

Going to attempt to go to bed at 10pm.

Anyway! I planted seeds today, to get my "starter" plants going. Haven't really much experience gardening before, so it's an experiment. Though I'm so excited at the prospect of being able to go in my own backyard and pick the peppers and tomatoes for my salad. woo!

Being Present and Alert... Being Satisfied

2009-04-13T11:40:00.001-05:00

We're always trying to get some where.

I'll be happy when ___________.

"I'll be happy when I look better."

"I'll be happy when I am completely healthy."

"I'll be happy when my brain chemicals are in balance." (There's some legitimate truth to this one, but there are plenty of people struggling with deficiencies and imbalances that can remain peaceful and content).

"I'll be happy when my whole life situation is ideal."

Always seeking, always being worried and preoccupied with progress keeps our minds projected into the future and leaves no time or room for the present. We strive to obtain what we think will bring happiness. And maybe some of these things will. Maybe improving my diet will improve my health and thus my make ability to enjoy life much easier.

However, when we have attacthed the idea of happiness with this goal or the future, we miss the wonderfullness around us!

I picture a person who is always running around, always "doing." They spend their whole lives working towards something or self loathing about what they don't have. Then, we they are on their death bed, they wonder, what was the point? What was the point of everything I did, when I rarely enjoyed myself?

There's a confusion (due to the ego) about what brings true happiness. In reality, YOU NEED NOTHING! NOTHING NEEDS TO CHANGE! All you have to do is live. Live and take in the beauty around you.

Basically, all the goals I set don't really matter. What matters is that I become present and no longer driven by the ego. Everything else will fall into place.

How can I achieve this awareness, this presence? Stop... meditate. recognize the ego and it's repetitive thoughts. Realize you have no need for them. That the ego is trying to create problems, obstacles for enjoying today. Don't follow that path of incessant thought or react to things. Just allow them to be.

Eckhart Tolle doesn't emphasize being positive necessarily. But for me, I think it does help in addition, to challenge the mind when it attempts to label things as bad. I try to find the silver lining in even the most "negative"of situations. This helps when I can't quite "shut off" my brain, but need to find some peace.

The thought process I had this morning:
I still have fatigue and candida. I HAVE to eat raw today.
I WANT cereal though! What should I eat? Cereal sounds good. No, have fruit. (I eat a bowl of fruit immediately after waking, even though not hungry).
Look in the mirror while getting ready. Thought: Don't look attractive. I will be attractive again when I heal my health problems. eat raw or be ugly and be left by your boyfriend. (my boyfriend did tell me I wasn't very pretty a week ago). New thought: he doesn't like me enough... I should just get out of this relationship before he leaves me.

Wow, so basically I went from having no real present problem.. but an actual nice morning off with alone time... and turned it into mental drama. I started to feel resistant and resentful. "Who cares" comes next. "I will just be sick and ugly and unloved. I should just eat whatever I want. Life sucks and is out of my control."

I became confused and caught up in the idea that

1. I can't enjoy life and be lovable until I'm at my best biochemically and physically.

2. That I can only achieve that through eating raw(forgetting about the damage stress, no exercise and negativity cause).

How about instead (if I have to think): I have the ability to walk and be indepedent today! My boyfriend loves me and wants to spend time with me! I have food to eat, and don't have to go with out. The sound of the rain is beautiful and relaxing.

Just look at the tree without mental noise. Breath deeply. Appreciate all the amazing, beautiful, wonderful and joyful things in this moment. Be grateful.

Raw Foods Potluck

2009-04-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

I went to a raw foods meet up today! The theme was all American. There was "meat loaf," "mashed potatoes," and even a "green bean casserole."

I brought that really basic salad... someone needed to bring some greens!

Also, my friend from Iowa City came up to see me... and went with me to the potluck.

Day to Day Raw Stuff

2009-04-02T17:28:00.000-06:00

Another day purely raw.

so far I've consumed:
- middle of the night: apple, pear and handful of pecans (then fell back asleep... when I have trouble sleeping and feel tense, I know I've cut back on fat too quickly so I eat a little when needed)
-green smoothie: 2 mangoes, 1 banana, dried coconut flakes, few chunks pineapple, 1 head of swiss chard
-salad: 2 cups salad herb mix, 1 tomato, 1/2 cucumber, 1/2 avocado, green onions, 2 tbsp of homemade balsamic vinaigrette.
-green smoothie: 2 apples, 1 pear, 1/2 banana, blueberries, raw honey, 1/2 bunch swiss chard
-salad: spinach, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, green onions, zucchini, canola oil based Italian dressing.

My dressings aren't technically raw, but I am allowing them for now. In really small amounts. Eventually I'd like to only use an apple cider vinegar dressing, lemons, limes, and perhaps none at all! I'd also like to add cold soups and the like. But one thing at a time. Right now, I'm enjoying basic, bright and pretty salads, green smoothies and banana ice cream. These are things I'm comfortable with and so they make it easy in the beginning.

I also plan on buying a spiralizer and a nice dehydrator.

I've done really well catching myself fantasizing about cooked foods and quickly remembering what they do to my immune system.

Other things to think about: the dreaded detox that will happen relatively soon! AHHH! That's a whole other challenge.

Worrying and Over Analyzing Symptoms

2009-03-19T19:46:00.000-06:00

Anyone who is trying to heal an illness has most likely gotten consumed by it at some point.

We may have started thinking about our symptoms as a way to puzzle together the bigger health issue (with or without professional medical help). But even if you find the root cause of your symptoms, we still tend to focus on the ailments, especially when trying to heal. Sometimes this is necessary... you change something in your lifestyle and diet, symptoms may change... you try to understand what works and what doesnt. You have to become very intuned with your body.

However, its counterproductive if it means you dramatize. I skipped my period for the first time ever. Initially I worried I was pregnant, but that doesnt appear to be the case. Most likely, theres some hormonal imbalance happening. I don't know why. I was googling like crazy. cancer? I do have a body perfect for cancer cells to grow...

Ultimately, I just need to make an appt at the free women's clinic, exercise daily and keep eating healthy. Thats my part, thats what I can do. Stressing about changes in my body helps none! If something serious develops, and I have longer-term symptoms, I could take more interest. But for now I'm saying "don't sweat the small stuff."

PS: My blender made me the creamiest, tastiest smoothies I've ever had! I made 3 today!

Blog Carnival- the vitual web version of Rio!

2009-03-16T20:24:00.001-06:00

Good News!

I'm linked in the Raw Food Transitional Carnival #1- General Feel Good Raw Food Edition!
Click below:

Gives me more motivation to keep getting rawer (?), stay dedicated and improve this blog. Ya know, make sure its helpful and interesting and not just a place to dump my thoughts.

Anyone have topic ideas I should write about? Something you're struggling with yourself?

Coping With Depression/Farmer's Market

2009-03-14T20:50:00.000-06:00

I ordered a VitaMix yesterday which is GREAT because it might get me excited about eating raw again.

I've been dealing with some pretty heavy depression still and been using food as a source of comfort... it gives that numbing effect.

I definitely do other things to help keep my mood up... to keep me from going into a negative cycle. Things I've been doing help enough to keep me from "giving up" or drinking, but doesn't lift the depression enough that I can handle a strict raw diet.

So, even though I haven't been eating well, I can list all the things I've done in the past 3 days to keep mental peace and my spirit up!

walked for 1.5 hours around town

went to A.A. meeting

make 1 green smoothie

listened to The Power of Now CD, and others

drew out in the sun for an hour

laughed and played with boyfriend

tried new video games

did brain age

stretched, sit ups

drank plenty of water

emailed some places about volunteering

got up early today

support farmer's market

I got a really exciting idea when I went to the Winter's Farmer Market. I could be a vendor this summer! I could make foods like; mini raw pies, gluten-free baked goods, and other various things. I would make pamphlets on eating raw and gluten-free. Also, I could make crafts... and get my little sister to help!!!

I just think this would be a really great hobby and would help me stay raw. Distraction is really important to keep me from compulsive eating.

Cheers!

Catch 22

2009-03-12T16:02:00.000-06:00

I have trouble eating healthy and staying raw because of my chemical depression (which is a result of poor health). I can't get over my depression, unless I heal my body and eat green.

I feel stuck.

I did all green smoothies and fruit yesterday. This morning though, I just woke up really down. I'm gonna assume my period is coming, because I've been really fatigued, started having cravings for sweets (which is also due to regrowth of candida) and this depressed mood that causes random crying spells.

I don't feel like I can handle the day... Its like pushing yourself in a hard physical workout. I push, push, push, but then my body has to eventually stop, cause it has its limitations. Thats what happens with the mind. I do my best, but sometime my brain chemistry makes it nearly impossible to be cheerful (esp around the time of my period). So, I really dont think this is a result of mental weakness or self loathing. It's a chemical/hormonal problem.

I want to accept this mood imbalance and make the best of it. It's okay to have depression. There are even benefits to it!

I don't want the candida and depression to go away because...

its making me a stronger person
I've discovered an alternative lifestyle of raw foods I might of never found or appreciated before
Its teaching me things and one day, I can help others
because its kept me from being able to move out of my parent's house, which keeps me close to my family
Wouldnt have met Derek
know myself better than ever before
have a deeper awareness, and more compassion
reinforcement my meaning/purpose/goal in life: to help others through their struggles as a transpersonal psychologist/counselor
I'm learning to appreciate life even with adversity, instead of feeling sorry for myself
its forcing me to improve my lifestyle now instead of waiting till my health declines from "old age."

I really related to this Byron Katie video I frequently watch: "I don't want the cancer to stop growing."
http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=byron+katie&rls=com.microsoft:*:IE-SearchBox&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=ie7&rlz=1I7GWYE_en&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=uYm5SfKsO4HasAOko-BB&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title#q=byron+katie+cancer&emb=0

Eckhart Tolle quote "I realized that nothing I could possibly do, could add anything to what I already have."

Not Washing Leafy Greens

2009-03-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

I heard that you shouldn't wash your organic dark leafy greens, because it can wash off B12 and other nutrients. Plus, logic tells me eating dirt is also natural and might even build up your immune system...? sometime eating clean is eating dirty ;)

I've been eating mine unwashed for weeks now, but today I had a bunch that was really covered in dirt. I felt the grime on my fingers while pulling the swiss chard into smaller pieces. I threw it into my blender anyway. But let me tell you, when I slurped that baby up through a straw, I could taste and feel the dirt. It was grainy, like having sand in your mouth.

So, I still believe you don't need to wash your organics, health wise. Flavor wise, I might have to if they're really dirty.

Mental Well Being Just As Important

2009-03-04T22:33:00.000-06:00

Its a mental issue. I'm not binge eating and fixated on food lately because I'm hungry, or even really craving. I'm trying to fill myself up emotionally.

So, I'm going to do what I did to give up other things. Make my mental health priority before all else. When you're happy, you don't need crutches.

I need to do these things daily:
-yoga and meditation (after work)
-dance (2 songs in morning)
-journal (1 entry in evening)
-read: Tolle or other spirituality/self help books (30 minutes in evening)

I think a good way to make these into habits is to have a notebook where I write in these goals and put boxes next to them, and check them off everyday.

"mental health day," will become "mental health month."

Get Active!

2009-03-03T18:04:00.000-06:00

Life can easily become monotonous. As a way of "mixing it up," each week I want to find a new and different physical activities.

This has other benefits as well like I will get exercise!

Ideas:

America's Got Talent Try Outs

2009-03-01T23:23:00.000-06:00

Remember how I commited to 30 days all raw?

Well, I've been doing really well. Went to a wonderful raw potluck Saturday, where I was exposed to foods I could make on occassion that could definitely satisfy my cravings. The avocado, lime and blueberry pie blew my mind.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I went to Chicago last night so that he could go to the America's Got Talent try outs. I wanted to leave prepared for the trip, so I packed a cooler to bring my green smoothie, some fruit and nut butter.We left last night, stayed in a hotel, then from there went to the try outs downtown. So, this morning I drank my green smoothie in the car and threw some pears and bananas in my bag. As the morning went on, I was okay. Nick Canon came out, we did a lot of shots for the show of everyone screaming. But by the afternoon we were still waiting, hungry and bored out of our minds. Mcdonalds and a pizza place are the only things near.

6am- green smoothie

8am- arrive at the try outs
10am- bored, waiting in line, finish off fruit (4 pieces)

11am- getting pretty hungry, still waiting in line

1pm- still in line, out of food
2pm- ready to eat anything (have hypoglycemia, one of the reasons going raw)
3pm- buy a walnut and fruit salad at McDonalds (only could eat the grapes and apples which still had shit added to them)

4-pm- walk over again to buy my boyfriend lunch. Before I even get back to him, I had eaten half his fries.

6pm- finally leave! (they will call if he is selected)

7pm- on the drive home, just opt for chips and hummus when we stop at a grocery.

Today would of been day 5. and I'm not gonna do the black and white thing and start over. I'm just gonna skip today (like it never happened) learn to be more prepared, and tomorrow will be my day 5! I'm really excited about eating raw and trying out new recipes during this difficult month of quiting my cooked food addiction.

Anchored By The Ego

2009-02-24T11:09:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm on the urge of a large growth spurt, meaning I'm going to face some challenges, but I'm going to come out better for them.

I don't want to just get by in life, in my days. I want to be challenged and forced to explore a deeper awareness.

For almost a week now, I've been eating cooked junk food out of comfort. Out of a mental need, not a physical one. This shows me, my ego has taken over control of my life. It wants ease and it wants immediate pleasure. Whatever is happening on the external, I try to find the internal cause.
Eating poorly, picking fights with the boyfriend, being messy, etc. These are all examples of the ego and discontentment in the mind.

I'm not sure how to change this, exactly... though I know I have the power to.

Guess the best thing to do, is stop all the distractions and get real. I've got to wake up to my life! When I get back home tonight, I'm going to turn off the t.v., close-pin my bag of chips and open up A New Earth again.

It's completely possible to find peace and contentment, no matter what is happening around us. I've experienced this peace before, but only for moments, short periods, not continuously.

Have Fun!

2009-02-23T09:18:00.000-06:00

What's the point of being alive, if you're not having fun?

Today, I'm just going to laugh, play and enjoy life!

And one other thing, I'm going to read Eckhart Tolle.

Ego Getting In Way of Healing

2009-02-17T19:33:00.000-06:00

I've been writing down EVERY single thing I eat in a day, which usually means I'm too focused on my diet. When I start counting days raw, and try too hard to be perfect, I will usually derail from raw foods path.

I try to remember that its not about days, it's about good habits. I don't need to bother myself with planning or counting, with analyzing and over thinking. I want to be raw so badly, cause I want to be cured of my chronic fatigue! Maybe I'm putting on too much pressure.

Ever notice how if you chase after something, it eludes you?

When I just enjoy my day and put my energy into other things, I just naturally take good care of my body. I just make a green smoothie when my body needs food. I can listen to the body and not let the mind (ego) get in the way.

We spend so much of our lives chasing after happiness by seeking what the ego believes will bring pleasure. We listen to what it wants and spend most of our energy trying to obtain it. What's funny is, even if we do get what we want, the "happiness" fades rapidly. We get a high, only to crash later and left with feelings of emptiness.

So where do we find genuine contentment?

I think if we extend ourselves to help others, we feel full and satisfied all the while and after. Here's my analogy: like eating a sugar cookie, versus a filling homemade soup. The sugar cookie is calling my name and sounds so tempting. I cave in and eat the whole pack, then feel sick, guilty and end up with more cravings. A bowl of soup, on the other hand, sounds less desirable. I have to spend the time making it, but it will keep me full longer and give my body the nourishment it needs.

Being successful on the raw diet for me means recognizing the ego. The ego is that little voice in your head that says "green smoothies aren't enough, you need more, more, more... you need brownies!" It basically wants what it can't have.

My goal is to start noticing more when my mind is playing around with the idea of eating the "illegal," and start fantasizing about kiwi. As well as, turning it all outward. Look for ways to help out others. That could be like a hobby. Stop thinking about yourself and start think about others!

When you have a peaceful state of mind, things just fall into place. And to have a peaceful state of mind, shrink the ego. To shrink the ego, ignore it and try listen to other's needs.

Byron Katie

2009-02-08T21:43:00.000-06:00

I haven't read any of her books, but I've seen an interview and have watched some of the clips from her website. Particularly this one about acceptance:
http://www.thework.com/video_cancer.asp

"I want the cancer to stop growing."

"Give me a stress free reason to keep the thought, I want the cancer to stop growing."

"I'm sorry I can't think of one..."

This conversation really struck a cord with me. I wanted so badly to "be healthy" that I would feel overwhelmed with anxeity when I thought I wan't getting better, or if I did something "bad" like ate poorly or thought negatively). I would think I was making myself sicker and be even more stuck. My life had become about self discipline and future thinking, rather than loving what it is and naturally emiting positivity and making helpful choices.

When I have an off day, when my mind wants to go back to obsessing over food it takes me about a day or two to remember that it doesn't have to do with planning meals, or self discipline. It has to do with a peaceful mental state, that will then allow me to listen to my body and not the ego.

It used to take me about a week of struggling to get back to the place of peace, to even remember that the solution to get back on track, was to be self loving, positive and accepting. To love the moment, the fatigue, the what is.

I hope that I can continue building new pathways in my brain, and that they will travel even faster. So that when feelings of anger and anxiety develop, I can quickly remember (within hours or even mintues, versus days or weeks) that I hold the key to peace through acceptance and living in the moment (distracting!, sort of speak).

Craving Lettuce and Tomato!

2009-02-07T20:45:00.000-06:00

Last night we drove up to Madison and had planned on eating out at a gluten-free restaurant while there. Since I haven't been out to eat in about 2-3 months, I felt it would be a good treat. Plus, I had done SO well during the week, eating nearly all raw and organic. Actually, eating these processed/junk foods today and last night remind me of just how amazing my diet has been. And that once you start eating junk food, its easy to just continue eating it the rest of the day!

I didn't really enjoy those processed foods either (chili, pancakes, pretzels, etc). My appetite for them was minimal and I probably mostly just ate them because I've been taught to think I want them.

But actually, while we were eating out (at Bluephies shown here!),

I found a gluten-free/dairy free dish to eat. It was chicken chili, an incredibly heavy meal. The whole while, I could tell I was CRAVING fresh tomatoes and lettuce. I even had our waitress bring me a plate of raw veggies because I craved them so bad. This is awesome! My body wants vegetables now, and I pay more attention, very rarely letting my mind get what it "wants."

My body wanted something light, that it knows has nutrients. Sure the chili had a nice flavor, but I didn't really care. I simply wanted these types of foods because I mentally labeled them as "good," early on in life. Things are changing though...

My happy days are the ones in which I drink green juice, make green smoothies and thus have a clear mind with an ability to focus on my interests in the evenings.

Since I'm so full today, I will probably just have 2 small green smoothies tomorrow. Then, get back to my full regimen Monday. Oh! And I'm going to a green smoothie demo at a locale's house on Tuesday. I will bring my camera and share what I learn! It will also probably help motivate me to keep working towards an all raw diet.

Listen to your body, distract your mind (get lost in your interests), see the positive and you will succeed!

Vertigo

2009-01-13T22:34:00.000-06:00

I got vertigo for the first time ever today. It freaked me out a little, cause I didn't know what was wrong. Mostly just had to lay in bed, and turn my head or move my eyes very little.

I had to stay another night at my boyfriend's apartment.

Right now, I feel like crying.

I over ate noodles again tonight. I feel like a failure, like I'm weak. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm mad that I'm so obsessive and want what I cant have so have difficulties on diets. I try to remember the periods when I succeeded, when eating well wasn't such a fight. I think its mostly when I tried, but didn't obsess over it.

I can tell I'm beating myself up. Thats undeserved and not helpful. I refuse to retreat to my old ways of self loathing and punishment. I'm going to make a positives list.

Also, the most important things I can do for my health are to have a peaceful mindset, and be active. If I can learn to find joy in things, and keep balance... then eating well will get easier and easier.

I have to believe in myself. I am a strong person, who can overcome any challenge. I will not quit. I might fall over and over again. I might be as slow as a turtle. I might see only minor changes in my health over a long period of time. BUT I will NEVER give up on myself again.

Tomorrow might be difficult, but I'm gonna to see it as a fun challenge. A test to see what I can push myself to do and through. I'm grateful for this life.